Just when I was about to start writing about this failure, I received an message on the group related to this event on WhatsApp. The organisers had shared the results of all Categories in the Deccan Ultra. I checked what was written in front of my name in the 30 KM Category. In capital it read, DNS. It means Did Not Start. Because I never completed the race or I should say I didn't stood upto, in the competition. Though in the Rank Column they have mentioned DNF (Did Not Finish). But I personally think DNS is more appropriate for me.
After reading the first para you may be wondering what is the use of reading what's written below. As such rarely, people read anything about failure. You will never see someone flaunting their failures on social media or on any platform. Nor will you see someone recommending you books about read this failure, because even if someone writes they may never find a publisher who will be willing to publish the account. Speaking of social media, if you know me, you might question me as to what different I did. I always upload stories on Instagram after every Marathon or Trek. But even I didn't upload anything on that platform. Well it is true, but the real reason is I do not have any picture from the race or the trail that I thought I could upload. I had all the captions or words in mind. But no picture to upload. So I thought to pen my journey here. Because we may cook up stories for the world but deep inside we know what demons we have to fight. And we may succeed in hiding them from the world but when you look into the mirror are you able to have an eye contact with yourself? That is the part which has been troubling me. I may have purchased a medal hanger in the start of this year which has a punch line, "Never Give Up". And I could see that in front of my eyes when I was running on the trail yesterday. Unfortunately I couldn't live upto it. And so when I was looking at the medals hanging their today, I just couldn't dare to look up at those words. That should sum it all, what exactly is going on in my head. So lets start from the beginning.
After my successful stint in SRT Ultra (25Km), I knew I could do the ultras too. More than running on road, I would surely love to run the trails. The only thing tricky about this part of races is it pinches my already torn pocket more. Because for trails, apart from the fees you also need to pay for the Stay, food and Travel. So each Trail can cost me around 4-5K. But still the experience is heavenly. And for a person who has a thing for both the activities i.e. trekking and running. If I am getting both the activity in one package isn't that a Saturnalia Miracle.
So post SRT, I had started digging into all the names of races I heard from fellow racers as well as some of own digging and searching on Google. The first two that had come on my list in the ascending order in case of months in which they are organised were the Deccan Ultra in Bhandardara and Tata Ultra in Lonavala. So I kept my target quite clear for the first two months. Start 2020 with the Navi Mumbai Mayor Half Marathon. Give my best to get the timing under 2 hours 30 minutes. As in most of the major events which have distance ranging from 25 km - 42.195 Km you need a participation certificate of completion of a Half Marathon inside 2:30 Hours. By achieving that, I had decided to step up in my ultimate short term goal for Tata Mumbai Marathon 2021. But directly after doing a 25Km I cannot jump in for a 42.195 km race. Hence I need to go step by step. So the next step was to compete in Deccan Ultra (Category 30Km) and later the Tata Ultra (Category 35Km). So before the summer heat starts building up which will mean a break in long running as the sun won't permit it. I will have officially ran 35 Kms. So that would mean I still have a good 8 months in my hand to practise the next 7 kms in my journey to achieve the Holy Grail (TMM 2021).
-SR.
PS: May The Force Be With You And Me Too !!!
After reading the first para you may be wondering what is the use of reading what's written below. As such rarely, people read anything about failure. You will never see someone flaunting their failures on social media or on any platform. Nor will you see someone recommending you books about read this failure, because even if someone writes they may never find a publisher who will be willing to publish the account. Speaking of social media, if you know me, you might question me as to what different I did. I always upload stories on Instagram after every Marathon or Trek. But even I didn't upload anything on that platform. Well it is true, but the real reason is I do not have any picture from the race or the trail that I thought I could upload. I had all the captions or words in mind. But no picture to upload. So I thought to pen my journey here. Because we may cook up stories for the world but deep inside we know what demons we have to fight. And we may succeed in hiding them from the world but when you look into the mirror are you able to have an eye contact with yourself? That is the part which has been troubling me. I may have purchased a medal hanger in the start of this year which has a punch line, "Never Give Up". And I could see that in front of my eyes when I was running on the trail yesterday. Unfortunately I couldn't live upto it. And so when I was looking at the medals hanging their today, I just couldn't dare to look up at those words. That should sum it all, what exactly is going on in my head. So lets start from the beginning.
After my successful stint in SRT Ultra (25Km), I knew I could do the ultras too. More than running on road, I would surely love to run the trails. The only thing tricky about this part of races is it pinches my already torn pocket more. Because for trails, apart from the fees you also need to pay for the Stay, food and Travel. So each Trail can cost me around 4-5K. But still the experience is heavenly. And for a person who has a thing for both the activities i.e. trekking and running. If I am getting both the activity in one package isn't that a Saturnalia Miracle.
So post SRT, I had started digging into all the names of races I heard from fellow racers as well as some of own digging and searching on Google. The first two that had come on my list in the ascending order in case of months in which they are organised were the Deccan Ultra in Bhandardara and Tata Ultra in Lonavala. So I kept my target quite clear for the first two months. Start 2020 with the Navi Mumbai Mayor Half Marathon. Give my best to get the timing under 2 hours 30 minutes. As in most of the major events which have distance ranging from 25 km - 42.195 Km you need a participation certificate of completion of a Half Marathon inside 2:30 Hours. By achieving that, I had decided to step up in my ultimate short term goal for Tata Mumbai Marathon 2021. But directly after doing a 25Km I cannot jump in for a 42.195 km race. Hence I need to go step by step. So the next step was to compete in Deccan Ultra (Category 30Km) and later the Tata Ultra (Category 35Km). So before the summer heat starts building up which will mean a break in long running as the sun won't permit it. I will have officially ran 35 Kms. So that would mean I still have a good 8 months in my hand to practise the next 7 kms in my journey to achieve the Holy Grail (TMM 2021).
But if everything goes as per your plan then that isn't life. It surely will be fiction.
After achieving my target in the Navi Mumbai Mayor Half Marathon, I could say I had buried the ghost of last year's Navy Half Marathon debacle. So now my focus was on Deccan Ultra. In December, I had attempted a first time to run 40Km. However gave up on 32Km. And that was on road. For Deccan Ultra, I had to run the mountains. To give a gist about my category i.e. 30Km I had to run the farms and small mountains for a good 10-15Km, climb the highest peak of Maharashtra and descent from it which will a good 10-12 Km. And some part of the race will go in tar road too. So in my January I had decided to have two good treks in the Sahaydri which will help me in the built up to this event. Hence I did the AMK Trek and a Baglan Region Trek. Both of them contained a total of 8 forts which we covered in 4 days. So if we speak theoretically, this was a good amount of mountain practice. But I guess I was wrong.
It did give me the much needed mountain practice but also it gave me a bit of mountain fatigue. This is where the seeds lie for me giving up in the mid race.
Now coming to the week before the race. Just before the race a close friend got married. So I was involved in all the preparations for almost 4 days including the marriage day. This resulted in just one practice session of 4Km in the last 7 days before the race. Another nail in the coffin.
My travel plans included a train journey from Thane To Igatpuri on the morning of Saturday, a day before race. And from Igatpuri, a share taxi till an area named Waki Bungalow. From their the base camp was a kilometre walk. Though it seemed sorted but I was skeptical as it won't be that easy in the villages as we think it is. So with a leap of faith, packing all my essentials I left for Igatpuri. This time I was better prepared than I was for SRT Ultra. I had trail running shoes, gloves (in case any section involves ropes), chocolates, sweater etc. But I guess what I lacked this time was the mental conviction.
After reaching Igatpuri, the organisers had suggested to take a share taxi till Waki Bungalow. And from there it was supposed to be a kilometre walk till the base camp. The first thing I noticed as I got down at Igatpuri station was the cold winds even at 9Am. While walking on the Railway FOB I was desperately searching for the Sun. Soon as I got down on the road, I checked in for a cup of tea. While sipping the nectar of life I was rolling my eyes all around. To my left was a Auto Rickshaw stand which were taking passengers to a place named Ghoti in Rs. 20 per seat. From there my destination is approximately 40Kms (that was my mental calculation). To my right was the taxi stand. Behind me was a sweet shop. Looking at the chocolates a realisation happened. I had purchased chocolates in advance to use in the race but has forgot to carry them. So first I went in the sweet shop to check if I can get the chocolates I want. Luckily they had Snickers, which originally I was searching when I had went to the shops near my house. But they didn't had so I had bought the 5 Star Fuse. Now here in Igatpuri I ended up buying the same chocolate I was originally looking for. After that was done I left towards the taxi stand. I asked him for the share amount towards Waki Bungalow. One of them being a local still had heard that name for the first time. The other guy was explaining him where it is. Though I wasn't interested in their discussion, I directly asked are you going to take me or not? The guy said we can't but he suggested me another alternative. He asked me to take a share auto till Ghoti. From their I will get the share jeep for Waki Bungalow. So I sat down in the Auto. Two more guys joined in. Suddenly the driver said one more seat will come behind so make way. We three were looking at each other and conveyed an unsaid statement, 'Where will that person sit"?
Finally a girl came and she also said two more girls will join ahead. So the auto man asked one of the guy to come forward and the girl joined us. Auto started. I had kept my maps On just in case to keep a check if I am heading in the right direction. As the other two girls met on the route the auto man now called the other guy also ahead leaving me with three girl's behind.
As we reached the Ghoti market area, I asked him if he will take me to Waki. At first he was confused but then he agreed. He was confirming from me is it the same place which has fishes. Now I wasn't aware so I told what I could see in the maps; a stone crusher, a dam ,a river etc. I also mentioned about Deccan Ultra incase he has heard it. He nodded positively so I assumed we may have a deal here. He said Rs. 100. I was like fair enough. In 120 I was getting a distance of almost 50Kms. Though I was a bit skeptical but I thought of playing with it. As maps were On I knew I won't get lost. As soon as he touched the highway he took another route. Now that much was enough for me to conclude we both were talking about different Waki.
After a brief discussion we headed back to where we started. He dropped me at the exact point from where I will get the share jeep. But this detour did cost me Rs. 50 more. Well that's part and parcel of solo travel. He also introduced me to one more jeep driver and asked him to help me with my travel plan to Waki Bhandardara. At first the driver told me to wait here only as the jeep will come. So in my waiting I was trying to avoid an eye contact with him as they might consider me as a good revenue opportunity. He was trying to explain me that jeep will take lot of time to come plus once they do arrive they will wait till 18 seats are full. All this was music to my ears as time was a luxury I had in ample. So I was ready for any amount of waiting time.
After considering that I might not agree he suggested me another option. That's when I felt, Okay he was actually trying to help me and not looking at me as a revenue opportunity. He said if you walk back on the route from where you came, there is a ST Bus Stand. From there you will find a bus to Waki Bungalow. I was like fair enough. So I asked him the route and started walking towards the bus depot.
At the enquiry counter in the depot I asked about the bus, they said it will come here at 1015. I asked from where will it be coming. They said Kasara. I was like I could have opted for this mode as well. So I made a mental note for my return journey. After getting in the bus, I asked for Waki Bungalow. The ticket price was Rs. 40. I did tell the conductor to let me know when Waki comes. But she didn't. Luckily my maps was still working so I guessed the destination. The bus journey took around 1:15 hours. It dropped me at a Chowk where there were two shops but no Bungalow. I just made a mental note of the surrounding as this was the same place I have to come tomorrow while leaving for home.
Though the organisers told that the walking distance from Waki to Base Camp will be 1km it was approximately 2. But walking is something I always welcome. So it wasn't a matter of concern. Finally after all the morning stunts I had reached the destination at 12Pm. The moment I entered I saw Nupur Singh, a great Ultra Athlete. A role model. And also I met Sandeep Kumar. Only Indian to have participated in the Comrades event in South Africa. They told me to relax and stroll around as the tents are being put in place. So I kept my bag near their tables and went around to take a walk near the backwaters of a dam.
Since I had booked triple occupancy, they allotted me a fair good size tent. So I kept my bag inside, got myself changed and went in for lunch. The stay at Deccan Ultra was costlier than SRT. SRT had provided me stay plus two time food and evening snacks in Rs. 1250. Deccan only had covered stay and one time food plus evening snack in Rs. 1600. So I was supposed to pay for the lunch I was about to have. Also in snacks they didn't provide anything. Even the tea was black one. As their theme was Vegan hence they were not even using milk.
They also had made a bus arrangements for people traveling from Mumbai. But the bus was booked for 3 days. Which meant the bus will leave for Mumbai on Monday. Given the scenario that my race was about to end at 1330 on Sunday. Why would I wait for one more day? So I had not selected that option. And in the end it came out as a good decision. Because the bus which left Mumbai on Saturday morning 930 reached the base camp in the evening 530. Due to less crowd in the afternoon the Saturday lunch for which we had to pay became free for us.
By Evening all the tents were now accommodated. I met my first tent mate. He was from The Indian Air force. Then in the tent opposite to me where people from the Indian Army. Their talks were unbelievable. The operations they had conducted on the battlefield, the real battles with life and death on the line. Talks about real encounters. They were truly fascinating. The real patriotic Indians.
One more thing happened since my arrival in the campsite till the briefing which happened in the evening 7pm. Suddenly I was feeling lonely. Mainly homesick Not sure why? There was no one to talk too at the campsite. I was just lying in the tent alone. To avoid those depressing thoughts and to divert my mind I was chatting with few friends on WhatsApp. But the mental damage was already done. This is one lesson I am taking from this failure. Next time I am not reaching early for any event especially when I am aware I don't have any known face to interact with. This also happened during AMK Trek. Generally waiting time kills the spark specially if I am mentally alone. I need something working, being idle takes me in a limbo state of mind making it difficult to manage things.
As the crowd had started filling up the campsite the organisers called out everyone to record a drone shot. Post that the black tea was served. With people around now, I started interacting with anyone and everyone I was coming across just to make myself comfortable. Meanwhile the much awaited announcement happened, BIB distribution and race briefing.
For me the main thing to listen in the briefing was to confirm if there are going to be any technical patches in my category. Luckily there wasn't any. So it was going to be a mountain trail from Basecamp till Bari village which was 9 kms. From their begins the ascent for Kalsubai peak and then coming to Udhadwane village by descending which will total upto 18kms. Finally moving to Base camp again covering the balance distance. So that much was for me in the briefing. With that done, we moved to have our dinner. I was hoping there should be an option for jowar bhakri as I am not much of the fan of that item and since we were served that in the lunch. Luckily we had chapati. I was dead hungry so had a sumptuous meal before heading towards my tent.
I planned to get up early the next morning in order to wrap up with all my morning chores and be race ready. Generally for breakfast I was expecting Poha and black tea. But thankfully they had kept Upma as well. With that I was all set for the second Ultra race of my life. This time I wasn't feeling the thrill but something was just holding me back. I could see excitement on some faces while some had curiosity as to what laid ahead of us. But my mind was just stuck behind in the campsite. I was controlling the urge of staying behind instead of taking part in the race. I wasn't sure what or why this was happening. For this was the first time I was facing the scenario. As we all were set on the Start Line, the organisers asked us to wait for 10 minutes. As the sun was about to rise then nobody will have to carry the torch. With the head count done, the race started finally.
Initial few kilometers weren't that much of a trouble. Being my second ultra run I was drawing comparison with the SRT Ultra. The SRT organiser has used orange ribbon as a marker. They had tied orange ribbon on the tree just to allow us to know the route. In Deccan Ultra, they had used white paint to mark the route. So initially we were finding the makers and hence the journey was going cool uptill now. Post completion of 2Kms something went wrong. The ones who had gone ahead couldn't find the marker on the road. The organiser had told us they have made marking in every 200 metres. But if you walk ahead for atleast 500 metres and still don't find the markers then do come back to the last marker and start again. This is actually the beauty of trail running. The only tricky thing is if you are in group then it is fun. Else it will be a frustrating moment for you.
By taking all the possible wrong turns we finally agreed upon one route and we all started running towards it. The moment we touched upon a tar road I was sure we were on the wrong route or rather to be precise we were on a long route. But this wasn't a time to argue. During the mix up of route there was so much time where I could have clicked pictures or even taken videos. But even to check the maps and help fellow runners I didn't even showed the courtesy to take out of my phone. I was getting a feeling that I had mentally given up. But somehow I didn't want to give in. So I continued the trail. I got a runner who was pacing with me till Bari Village. So that journey again became comfortable. But then again that is not how ultra runs are, that is not how it is supposed to happen. You are on your own in the Ultras. And I am being dependable on something or the other. This was just not supposed to be my day. I have run 10kms, 15 Kms, 21kms and even 25 kms. But never was I dependent on anyone. I was always running my route. But today it was all opposite. And by now we had just reached Bari, which was supposed to be 8.5 Kms but because of our detour it became almost 10kms. I marked by BIB No. on the checkpoint to confirm I passed through the point. I filled my bottle with water but unfortunately it was mixed with Unived fruit mix. Already my mind was not in my control and this added more fuel in the fire. Everytime I took a sip of water it was having the flavour of banana. I know it was supposed to be good for a runner, but I was just not in that mental state. Even though I had water in my bag yet I chose to get frustrated on the banana water when I could have easily replaced it.
By now, I had reached the entry gate of Kalsubai. It was the same place where I was relaxing after descending from Kalsubai Trek almost a year ago. With two good treks in the previous month I should have been all set to kick off the climb. The run plus walk on the climb was on. The ascent had begun. The ones who had gone ahead were now visible. The climb was slow but it was going good. I think I must have completed atleast 20% of the climb when suddenly my left leg bottom side started paining. This pain has been quite regular in this winter. Every morning when I get up I am not able to stand on my left leg.But after few minutes it becomes normal and then I can run. But on this race day nothing of the pain happened in the morning. And unfortunately it started paining now. I am not sure whether it was the mental fatigue or all other things which I mentioned above that resulted in this pain. I stopped in the middle and I guess I just made up my mind to not go ahead. I didn't feel any energy inside me nor any motivation. Lot of thoughts were going in my head but not one of it was a positive one. Finally I made the call to the organisers and asked them if they were still at the Bari Village as I was returning down on account of the injury.
Thus ended my Deccan Ultra Marathon. I won't deny the fact that the pain was not real. Even as I am sitting two days after the race writing this blog I can still feel the pain. The pain today morning was so severe that I literally could not touch my left feet on the ground. But the main intention why I named this post as a failure is because I had lost the race even before the injury happened. Even if I had the conviction in me I am sure I would have overcome the injury and still completed the race. But I failed from within. So I know deep inside me it is my failure.
Finally I reached the campsite and I called up the organiser informing them my situation and to mark me DNF. I packed my bag. I wasn't too happy nor could I have an eye contact with any of the fellow racers who were now coming in after completing the 12Km race or the 30 Km category. I somehow had my lunch keeping my head low and just picked up my bag and left the campsite. It wasn't a victory lap that I had this time. This is going to haunt me, I think for a long time. I hope I am able to channelise that frustration in the appropriate way.
I planned to get up early the next morning in order to wrap up with all my morning chores and be race ready. Generally for breakfast I was expecting Poha and black tea. But thankfully they had kept Upma as well. With that I was all set for the second Ultra race of my life. This time I wasn't feeling the thrill but something was just holding me back. I could see excitement on some faces while some had curiosity as to what laid ahead of us. But my mind was just stuck behind in the campsite. I was controlling the urge of staying behind instead of taking part in the race. I wasn't sure what or why this was happening. For this was the first time I was facing the scenario. As we all were set on the Start Line, the organisers asked us to wait for 10 minutes. As the sun was about to rise then nobody will have to carry the torch. With the head count done, the race started finally.
Initial few kilometers weren't that much of a trouble. Being my second ultra run I was drawing comparison with the SRT Ultra. The SRT organiser has used orange ribbon as a marker. They had tied orange ribbon on the tree just to allow us to know the route. In Deccan Ultra, they had used white paint to mark the route. So initially we were finding the makers and hence the journey was going cool uptill now. Post completion of 2Kms something went wrong. The ones who had gone ahead couldn't find the marker on the road. The organiser had told us they have made marking in every 200 metres. But if you walk ahead for atleast 500 metres and still don't find the markers then do come back to the last marker and start again. This is actually the beauty of trail running. The only tricky thing is if you are in group then it is fun. Else it will be a frustrating moment for you.
By taking all the possible wrong turns we finally agreed upon one route and we all started running towards it. The moment we touched upon a tar road I was sure we were on the wrong route or rather to be precise we were on a long route. But this wasn't a time to argue. During the mix up of route there was so much time where I could have clicked pictures or even taken videos. But even to check the maps and help fellow runners I didn't even showed the courtesy to take out of my phone. I was getting a feeling that I had mentally given up. But somehow I didn't want to give in. So I continued the trail. I got a runner who was pacing with me till Bari Village. So that journey again became comfortable. But then again that is not how ultra runs are, that is not how it is supposed to happen. You are on your own in the Ultras. And I am being dependable on something or the other. This was just not supposed to be my day. I have run 10kms, 15 Kms, 21kms and even 25 kms. But never was I dependent on anyone. I was always running my route. But today it was all opposite. And by now we had just reached Bari, which was supposed to be 8.5 Kms but because of our detour it became almost 10kms. I marked by BIB No. on the checkpoint to confirm I passed through the point. I filled my bottle with water but unfortunately it was mixed with Unived fruit mix. Already my mind was not in my control and this added more fuel in the fire. Everytime I took a sip of water it was having the flavour of banana. I know it was supposed to be good for a runner, but I was just not in that mental state. Even though I had water in my bag yet I chose to get frustrated on the banana water when I could have easily replaced it.
By now, I had reached the entry gate of Kalsubai. It was the same place where I was relaxing after descending from Kalsubai Trek almost a year ago. With two good treks in the previous month I should have been all set to kick off the climb. The run plus walk on the climb was on. The ascent had begun. The ones who had gone ahead were now visible. The climb was slow but it was going good. I think I must have completed atleast 20% of the climb when suddenly my left leg bottom side started paining. This pain has been quite regular in this winter. Every morning when I get up I am not able to stand on my left leg.But after few minutes it becomes normal and then I can run. But on this race day nothing of the pain happened in the morning. And unfortunately it started paining now. I am not sure whether it was the mental fatigue or all other things which I mentioned above that resulted in this pain. I stopped in the middle and I guess I just made up my mind to not go ahead. I didn't feel any energy inside me nor any motivation. Lot of thoughts were going in my head but not one of it was a positive one. Finally I made the call to the organisers and asked them if they were still at the Bari Village as I was returning down on account of the injury.
Thus ended my Deccan Ultra Marathon. I won't deny the fact that the pain was not real. Even as I am sitting two days after the race writing this blog I can still feel the pain. The pain today morning was so severe that I literally could not touch my left feet on the ground. But the main intention why I named this post as a failure is because I had lost the race even before the injury happened. Even if I had the conviction in me I am sure I would have overcome the injury and still completed the race. But I failed from within. So I know deep inside me it is my failure.
Finally I reached the campsite and I called up the organiser informing them my situation and to mark me DNF. I packed my bag. I wasn't too happy nor could I have an eye contact with any of the fellow racers who were now coming in after completing the 12Km race or the 30 Km category. I somehow had my lunch keeping my head low and just picked up my bag and left the campsite. It wasn't a victory lap that I had this time. This is going to haunt me, I think for a long time. I hope I am able to channelise that frustration in the appropriate way.
-SR.
PS: May The Force Be With You And Me Too !!!
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